How to Be a Good Listener: Active vs. Passive Listening.
The internet seems to be full of articles and videos telling us that we should listen more, but very few actually give us tangible advice on how to do so. Yet, listening is a hot topic both in the workplace and at home. How many times have you complained or heard others complain about partners and/or co-workers who “just don’t listen”?
I will aim to uncover why this is the case by answering the below three questions:
- Are there different types of listening?
- Is passive listening always bad?
- When is passive listening most damaging?
- The challenge
1. Are there different types of listening?
Yes, there are. The main one to highlight is the difference between passive listening, which we are all great at, and active listening, which requires a lot more effort (Rogers & Farson, 1957). Passive listening is a little more than hearing. A passive listener listens without reacting, listens to the words and is able to retain the information, but does not engage with the messenger. This type of listener is the one most people complain about.
In contrast, an active listener pays full attention to the speaker and his words and makes an evident effort to understand the message. The active listener spends more time listening than talking. However, he both listens and responds to the speaker, either through words or body language.
2. Is passive listening always bad?
It’s important not to completely demonise passive listening. After all, our brains have adapted to the ability to listen passively because constant active listening would be an enormous cognitive effort that our bodies and brains cannot support (Sweller, 1988).
After many hours of meetings or video calls, most of us will likely switch to passive listening. This is a natural process that helps us save “brainpower”, very much like our phones switching on “battery-saving” mode. The trick here is realising when it’s happening and making a conscious decision about whether it is appropriate to do. Let’s use a couple of examples, one from personal life and one from professional life, to illustrate when it can be acceptable to listen passively to others.
Personal life
You are driving and are speaking to your mother on the phone (not on a handheld device, of course) and, at one point in the conversation, she starts giving you a detailed account of what her friend did over the weekend. Now, she seems to be enjoying telling you about her friend, but, let’s be honest, you are not particularly interested. In this case, it is perfectly natural that you are switching to passive listening, as there is no expectation that you will have to engage in the conversation.
Professional life
You are in an extended team meeting with 20+ people where 4 individuals are providing an update on their latest project. This project is unrelated to your area of work and you have no contributions to make to the discussion. In this situation, it is very likely that you will switch to passive listening.
In both these examples, it may better suit the speakers’ needs that you let them speak without interruptions. However, it is important that you recognise that you are in “passive listener” mode and that you are ready to switch to active listening if needed.
3. When is passive listening most damaging?
The moments where you are listening passively instead of actively are the ones that create the interpersonal tensions that give rise to the “you-never-listen-to-me” kind of frustrations. Believe me when I tell you that, if you are feeling too tired to switch to active listening, it is much better you tell your interlocutor sooner rather than later. Let’s go through some examples:
Personal life
A classic example from personal life is when you arrive home exhausted from your day at work and your partner starts downloading their worries wanting your feedback. You find yourself gazing into nothingness or, worse, scrolling through your Instagram.
Professional life
Another pretty common scenario is being unable to give your full attention to your colleague wanting feedback on their project because you cannot stop thinking about the important meeting you’ve just had.
In these situations, what’s wrong is not your inability to switch to active listening, but rather your failure to flag that to your partner or colleague. By not saying anything, you are leading your partner or co-worker to think that you do not care about what they are telling you. In the long run, this dynamic can start to deteriorate your relationship with them. I’ll give you some examples strategies for both situations that I have tried and that, so far, have served me well:
Partner: “Darling I’m sorry, this sounds very important but I’m very tired and I’m noticing I cannot give you the attention this deserves. Can we please have this conversation after we have had dinner?”
Colleague: “John, I have just come out of a really intense meeting with Beth and have had no time in between. Do you mind if we reconnect in 10 minutes?”
4. The challenge
When reading these examples, they may sound obvious. After all, what’s so hard about asking for a minute to re-calibrate when you need one? However, we can probably all agree that sometimes it can feel very hard to do so.
My challenge for you is that, next time you are feeling too overwhelmed to actively listen to someone, don’t keep going as if everything was normal. Instead, ask them to “reschedule” for a time when you can engage with them in the way you want to.
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References
Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1957). Active Listening. Martino Publishing.
Sweller, J. (1988). Cognitive load and effects on attention. Cognitive Science. 12(2). 257–285.
